Having a baby means dealing with our own issues, some of which we may have gotten as infants.  I had another small scare.

Last Saturday, during dinner at a resort, I was standing on a small metal footbridge, about 4 meters above a rushing stream.  There are rocks and boulders immediately below it.  I was saying goodbye on my phone when a guy walking towards me suddenly lurched and bumped me hard.

I lost my balance, but somehow my left foot replanted itself solidly before I could fall over the side railing on my left.  I was first afraid, but the emotion quickly turned to fury.  I wheeled around to face the offender.  He himself was a bit angry, because he thought I bumped into him.  The guy was reeking of beer, and that probably accounted for his misstep.

He suddenly saw my fury and my belly, and turned around and walked away hurriedly before I could shout at him and come after him.  I really wanted to beat him up.  He and his companions were sitting two tables behind us, and the rest saw what happened and were looking concernedly at me as I returned from the bridge and angrily told Daniel what happened.

Daniel was unaware of what happened, and at that moment it upset me more.  Why isn’t he watching over me at every moment?  Slowly, my anger dissipated and returned to fear and I burst into tears in the restaurant.  I was having visions of falling over, landing on my belly because right now, that is the heaviest and densest part of my body, and so gravity would pull it down faster than the rest of me.

Fear-anger-fear.  Like Yoda might say, Anger fear leads to.  Hate anger leads to.  The Dark Side hate leads to.  It seems that a lot of my early fears are surfacing, especially in moments of distress.

I guess I have a lot more to work through before the baby is born so that none of these are projected onto the child, and I will not turn into a fearful mother like my own mom (and many Asian moms).  I guess our overprotectiveness comes from these repressed fears.